I received a question from someone asking about the best way to handle spits and breakups. My first thought on this was if you find out let me know, for it seems that no matter how amicable a split or breakup is it is still a very hard thing to get over.
I have written other post about team philosophy, When Philosophies Collide, and Picking the Right Team, but how do you handle it when it is time to call it quits. I am sorry to say that I have been through a few breakups and it has always been hard. This is why some people say, “The best and worse thing about flyball is that it’s a team sport.” A team becomes a family of sorts and it is always hard when there are problems but as they say, “you can’t pick your family,” but however you look at it, fortunately or unfortunately, you can pick your teammates.
Philosophy Splits – You leaving them or they leave you
A philosophy split is probably one of the easier breakups. These types of splits are usually due to differing training philosophies or differing team strategies. I split from my first team for one of these reasons and I think it is the most common type of breakup. I just happened to be a little, well a lot, more completive than most of the people on the team. As I said, this is one of the easier breakups. I am still friends with everyone on the team and it was understood why I was leaving, but even knowing all of this it was still hard to leave.
The other kind of philosophy split is where people leave your team. I have just gone through one of these types of splits but on top of philosophical differences, there was a geographical aspect. The people that left the team were more than 100 miles away so practice sessions were difficult at best. The people that left always wanted their own team so for them it was the right thing to do. Even though I understand the reasons, I am still finding it hard to get over. I know that I will still see all of these people at tournaments but it will still be hard not having everyone on the same team.
Personal Issue Splits – They tell you to leave or you just leave
By far the hardest to get over and recover from are the Personal issue splits. Many times the reason for the breakup is something trivial that blows up into something major. When you look back on it, You think, “how could this happen? ” Here are best friends turning on each other and no one will give an inch. It does not make much sense but that is how life is some times. I do not think you ever get over this type of breakup and some time you wish that you could go back and do things over.
So how do you handle it?
You do the best you can. Your dogs did not stop loving flyball just because you have philosophical problems or a personal issue with someone. Much of the time, I think that dogs would do a better job running a team than any human could. There would be no philosophical differences and any personal issues in a Pack Mentality would be dealt with swiftly with no mercy. However, on a reality level as with all things in life you just have to deal with it and get over it. Life goes on, flyball goes on, and you have to take the good with the bad for the sake of your canine friends.
I welcome your comments.
Larry
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3 comments ↓
Wow, I missed this entry Monday. This is something that we went through over a year ago and many of us still have hurt feelings over it not because it happened necessarily, but because of the way it was handled. We had been working as a team for a couple of years and never saw it coming - thought we were all good friends. We only found out that a few others had already formed a new team after the fact when one of us called one of the others for a practice reminder. Apparently they had also been recruiting some of our newer folks we had been training. Not a nice way to handle things.
As difficult as it might be to split, I think the best thing you can do, if you’re planning on doing it is just to come out and let the others know in an honest, unemotional way that for whatever reason: training/competition philosophy, personal reasons,etc. that you’ve decided that what would be best for you is to break out - before you actually do it. You don’t have to go into great detail if it’s a personal issue, but it would only be fair to the others to let them know to avoid an even more uncomfortable situation down the road.
It would have been so much better in our situation, because we were going through a new ownership issue too, if someone had said something to the effect of: “hey guys, we just have a different philosphy about how we want the team run, so we’ve decided to form our own team”, or “our competitive goals are so different, we feel we’d be better off forming our own team”.
As it turns out, our split ended up being for the best and we’re actually glad that it happened now and we’re finding out that it’s not at all uncommon, but at first it was extremely hurtful because we were not told why or even that the split occured.
Just about every team I know of has had a split of some sort, so I think it’s important for newcomers to know ahead of time that this kind of thing does happen and may be even considered a natural evolution of a team, so that they are prepared if it does occur with their group.
I was part of a split a year ago also and the unfortunate truth is that no matter how hard you try to split the ‘right’ way, people tend to take things personally. I agree with B that open honest communication is usually the best way to avoid hurt feelings.
“if you’re planning on doing it is just to come out and let the others know in an honest, unemotional way that for whatever reason … that you’ve decided that what would be best for you is to break out - before you actually do it.”
the problem with the above text is that if you let the others know that you’re spliting before you split, well you just split…
I don’t think it’s possible to split without anyone being upset for some reason or another. My thoughts are - if you aren’t happy with the team you are with, and think you can be happier elsewhere, then do what you have to do, as best you can, and deal with the fallout… because flyball is our hobby - who wants to do a hobby that isn’t fun?
A person I respect a lot once told me, regarding a split, “if she is truly my friend, she will still be my friend even if we aren’t on the same team anymore”. I believe that is true of all friendships, flyball or not.
Like any relationship in life there will be those on your old club who will “get it” why you left and will be your friend in the race lanes anyway.(I have some great ones still) There will be some that in time will understand(it’s ok that it takes more time for some), and there willl be those who never listened in the first place who will forever hold a grudge.( and they are as happy now that i’m gone as I am, to be gone! - perfect.)
Most Splits are caused because of communication gaps. Like in any relationship,it happens all the time. The split happens when one of those parties dosen’t hold another’s point of view as valid or equal. Or makes no effort to change when needed.
This isn’t an individual sport. It’s a team. All involved deserve a voice , and that can be hard to do.
the only dog sport with multiple dogs and multiple humans
trianing the dogs takes time to do it right - not complicated.
the people factor IS complicated.
After the innitial hurt and shock (by some, others were surprised it held out as long as it had) I think the split i was involved in was the best thing for both teams in the end. And that seems to be they way it is from anyone else i’ve spoken to. It was extreemely hard to leave - tears were shed
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