“Team splits are the bastard child in the closet of Flyball.” I received this quote from someone wanting additional information on how people deal with this situation.
I’ve talked about this issue before in my post, Breaking-up is Hard to Do. I asked the question,” So how do you handle it?” and my answer was, “You do the best you can.” I know that is pretty lame advice because any team split is traumatic. It’s rejection at its very core, I’m right you’re wrong, friends against friends, and philosophy against philosophy. Is there anything to make the trauma easier to manage? It’s bad enough dealing with a breakup while it’s in the process but what about afterward.
Breakup Postmortem
How do you handle it after the breakup? I know that it can be awkward when you see your old teammates the first time after a split and you can do one of two things. You can just ignore and not talk to any of your old teammates by giving them the cold shoulder, but I personally find this approach hard to do and it’s something that is not in me. I just can’t do it. The other way is to talk to your old teammates as if nothing happened. For me this is the way I handle it. Even though it sometimes is a personal situation, which caused the breakup, I try not to take it personal. To me this way makes it much easier to cope.
Coping
From my own personal experience, I know that coping with a breakup can be difficult and it can be something that you think about for a very long time. What could I have done differently, why did this happen, and how am I going to get over this, are the things that I’ve dealt with. I know that it is not a subject that is talked about much and the private message I received was a request for “…input from some of my elders in the flyball community” and how they dealt with breaking up. Does anyone have anything to add to what I’ve already provided? What advice can you give?
Larry
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6 comments ↓
I’ve dealt with three team break ups. The first time, I left my team. The second and third time were teammates that left my team.
What worked for me was two basic principles that I live by:
1) “Don’t take it personal.” …the reasons people do what they do are almost never “about you”. So, don’t take it personally. It’s not about you!
2) “You have a right to be happy.” Everybody has choices. If staying with your team makes you “unhappy”, you have the right to make the choice to be happy. (stay or leave) The same goes for others. If they are not happy on your team, they have the right to choose to go somewhere else. If that makes you feel “bad” because they couldn’t be happy on your team, remember point number 1 above. “Don’t take it personal”. It’s not about you.
Don’t know if that helps anyone else but, it helps me deal with just about every way that people can disappoint you.
I have left 3 teams. One was the first team I ran with. The second a team I started but everyone was going part time so I left and joined the 3rd team. In order to to train my new dog at the time I left and actually rejoined the 1st who practices. I run with the 3rd in U-Fli.
When we left the 1st team we gave the team 3-4 months notice. I also helped them train new dogs during that time. Yes things were awkward but we all got past it.
When I left the team I started it was not done the same way. We just said we were leaving and joining another team. There were other issues too but not going there. I signed the team over to someone else.
When I left the 3rd team we also said we were leaving and why. I still run with this team in U-Fli.
Yes you leave a team, it may be awkward but there is no point allowing it to ruin flyball for you or anyone else. People think differently and that is ok. You may not “like, respect, etc…” folks on the team but flyball won’t be fun if you allow it to eat at you. Sometimes you leave a team in order to save the friendship. You can like someone but that does not mean you have to be on a team with them.
So I would recommend that if you leave a team try to make it civil. There is no point allowing it to ruin your fun and friendships.
I wish my split was as easy as yours! *LOL*
What I would really like is to hear from people who have left on bad terms and how they have dealt with it. From the sounds of things Kim didn’t leave either team on terrible terms and Chris made the comment that you can’t take it personal… well what if it truly IS personal?
I/We left a team soley because of the inexcusable actions of the Captain! So in this particular case… yes, it was personal and it was a bitter, nasty, mud slinging, name calling, back stabbing split! She trashed those of us that left to anyone and everyone that would listen after the split and we’ve always held the position that “We weren’t happy, so we left.” and have taken the stand to not say a bad word about her. *Which by the way is really difficult when you are shunned by fellow flyballer’s who you thought were your friends, etc.
The 3-month layoff with a bad split was essentially a death sentence for us! While we had to wait 90 days to play again (prior to the Open Class) she was going to any and every event and bad mouthing us. It’s been very difficult and often times uncomfortable. But we have the right to play too!
In hind sight… some might say we split the ‘wrong way’. But is there really a right and wrong way to split??? I would say no if the reasons you are splitting are personal because that person is never going to understand or accept that they were at fault and were the cause of the split! I did what I thought was right… but apparently in her mind it was wrong. I don’t regret my decision or how I handled it - I truly did what I thought was going to be the least painful for HER. In the end she came out smelling like a rose while we get the nasty looks and whispers. In the end I know we did the right thing - both with the split as well as keeping quiet about the reasons why we truly left but it certainly hasn’t been easy.
I have also left a team on bad terms, because of actions of the Captian - who had the mentality - What I say goes. Despite we were pretty much paying for her to run her dogs. We, a collective group, formed our own team. And there was a TON of back stabbing, name calling etc by our former captain. But, slowly but surely, all those that did not leave when we did, left, and joined us. We never had anyone leave our team.
I pretty much ignore any and all things said, as actions speak louder than words. If someone wants to believe something, than they will, regardless of your defense. So, I never defend myself, and let my actions on the flyball field, and how I treat my teammates and fellow competitors do the speaking for me. Just ignore the backlash.
Jean - I bet people do realize that you were the adult in the split.
We all have our own personal reasons for leaving and not everyone deals with it well. It took one person almost 2 years to talk to me and that was to ask me to run her dog. We were always civil but that was it. Now we get along again.
You did what you felt was right, you handled it like an adult, you kept your mouth shut… in the long run folks will realize you had valid reasons to leave.
Go to tourneys and be civil. In time, it will work itself out. I have been witness to some not so nice splits and in the end, folks learned to deal with each other even if just to say hi in passing so they didn’t look like the jerks.
Just be the adult and don’t worry about what others are saying or doing.
Thanks Kim & Jackie - it’s very reassuring to hear that it does eventually get easier.
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